You never stop loving someone you really loved, you just learn to live without them.. ADK 2013
You never stop loving someone you really loved, you just learn to live without them..
ADK 2013

What happens to the love when a relationship ends?

I have to question myself, I mean really sit down and ask myself some questions. I’m so pissed off with myself right now because I let him get to me. I am sitting with the truth that after all this time he still is a factor albeit an ‘X’, but its still there, buried beneath years of convincing myself that I am better off without him.  last Saturday I saw him for the first time in eighteen months, he hadn’t changed one bit, Nathaniel was my twenties, he was the love of my life and my best friend, we did and shared everything together which is why it took less than eighteen seconds for the lid to be taken off that box I had stored away at the back of my closet marked “do not even go there” the one that contained all my unresolved feelings and emotions for him. We were at a mutual’s friends baby dedication and I knew he would be there, don’t judge me but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t make the extra effort for the occasion, after all I was Godmother; I had to be looking right, standing up there in front of all those people. I must have done like a hundred squats a day on the run up to the christening coupled with crunches and free weights to get my arms toned. Honestly I was doing it for me, but every wise woman knows that you can’t let your ‘X’ see you looking like you’ve lost your mind. Whether its appropriate or not, you better be ready and looking good, when that time comes.

He was already at the church when I got there his face literally lit up when he saw me, our friends could see it too, one of my girls even shook her head and chuckled to her self as he made a B’ line in my direction.  he still looked as handsome as he did in our twenties, his jet black wavy hair, caramel skin tone that always looked like he had just stepped off a plane from some sunnier climate and his perfect smile, Nathaniel had one perfectly place dimple on his right cheek and a few freckles… oooo he gets to me every time. I use to love this guy with everything, he knows it as well,  which is why I think he felt comfortable to hug me the way he use to, like it was a secret hand shake that only he and I knew about. I’m not talking about one of those church hugs either, the ones where you get the chance to stick your butt out away from their body and lightly pat each other reassuringly on the back, nope; this bastard pulled me into his body with both arms like he had just come back from war and as he squeezed  my  waist and caressed my back, he said “it so good to see you Nay Nay… I mean what the monkeys does he think this is.

Anyway at the end of the service he walked me to my car, I kept asking where his Mrs was, as I was trying desperately to ignore the fact that the chemistry was still there alive and bobbling over in my stomach like butterflies; I stopped speaking to him a year and a half ago when he called me up the day before his wedding to say that he thinks he’s making a mistake. I didn’t even know he was engaged to the girl, so I was shocked on both counts; his girl is another long story that I can’t even get into right now but the long and short of if it is, either she or I was the other women. It is still hard to figure out who was what, because we both knew about each other…  thanks to the wonders of T-mobile. Do you remember the days when you could access your v-mail from any handset as long as you knew the pin, I heard all of the voice-mails she would leave on his phone when his “battery died” or he” accidentally” left it on silent so I wouldn’t hear it ring, and if she had any sense I’m sure she was doing the same thing. to be honest I felt like he was cheating on me with her and it was all her fault. What can I say I was young and naive . but to get a call on the the eve of his wedding day,  that was it for me, He had taken his last liberty and I cussed him off my phone and never looked back so its equally as frustrating that hes acting  like that never happened.

So he walks me to my car and as he shuts my door he say’s I’ve been meaning to call you, I was like “oh yeah”… he says “yeah” so I respond with Why? And before he could get a word out I reminded him he was married, so he responds with “you don’t think I am aware of that” So by this point I’m looking at this guy like he’s crazy… “I’m just pointing it out before you say something you might later regret, to which he responds agitatedly “I just wanted you to know I was right, I did make a mistake…”

I couldn’t even respond, I just sat there in my car, staring at his stupid face, for what felt like five  minutes, it was probably only five to ten seconds, but it felt like an eternity, I couldn’t articulate anything. I just started my engine, looked at him again and drove off.

You know what was more aggravating as I drove off, I couldn’t help thinking that he could still read me like a book. He knew it, got to me that one line hit my heart like a ton of bricks and he knew it.

Nearly one week later…

I’ve spent all morning pacing my office floor, wondering whether I should call him, I had waited all week hoping that my frustration would die down and I would forget about his comment, but I couldn’t, hence the pacing… I wanted to call him and ask him why? Why if he knew it was a mistake did he marry her? Why did he choose her and not me?  Why did he rubbish everything we had together? It was as though me having the answer to those questions would somehow bring closure and it would all make sense, finally I would get closure and really let go of it.  can I be totally honest, a part of me just wanted to hear his voice again… #thisisamess #drama.


3 thoughts on “The’ X’ factor

  1. He’s using you, dump him, he’s never gonna leave his wife for you. He just needs some escapism from the challenges of married life, and you don’t want to be that, coz that’s all you’ll ever be. He will use you, abuse you, sex you crazy, then leave you high and dry #dump him.

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