I’ve got Questions…!!

My Worst Enemy is Me Memory
My Worst Enemy is My Memory

Last week Friday was a big mistake, all of that office pacing should have given my stupid arse some take up time to really think about whether I needed to open this flood gate of drama. I knew from the moment the first call didn’t go through that I was opening up a can of worms and yes I said my first call,  I’m so embarrassed but I had to call him; It was like I hit desperation and I couldn’t stop myself from wanting all of my unrequited questions being answered.  He didn’t have a voicemail option either so I couldn’t leave a message, I mean who doesn’t have voicemail these days? I made one more attempt and I still hadn’t got through, it was honestly too intense. It was about 9:45 am and I had a meeting at 10:00 that needed a bit of preparation, what’s more I needed to collect my thoughts and salvage the little dignity I had left. So I promised myself no more calling. I’ve been working in advertising for some time now and recently just got promoted to assistant creative director for quite a notable company in the city. We’re currently working with a well known brand on a big campaign so God knows what I was doing with all my time chasing that clown; I loved my new position and needed to make a good impression as some of the executives were attending this mornings  meeting.  I was also the token ethnic in the team and from experience I knew my competency would be scrutinised to see whether they had made the right decision when appointing me; I certainly was not about to give room for scrutiny.

The meeting room was on the sixteenth floor so the views of the city were amazing, I could see the’ London Eye’ from our meeting room. I sat facing the view, I positioned myself near the head of the large glass meeting table, a good enough position to show my confidence but not too close to where I knew the executives would be seated, that would have been too much pressure for me, especially after the morning I was having. I was  also relieved to see no one had arrived yet, I know someone was expecting me to roll in late. I had a few minutes before the meeting started to gather composure however caught myself  reminiscing on the time that Nathaniel took me for a date on the ‘London Eye’ before my colleagues came in.

I was so in love with Nathaniel I felt like our date was just a couple months ago and not actually five years ago. I remembered being  so scared and for some reason  half expected the over sized tourist attraction to go a lot faster then it did.  Nathaniel was so attentive and freakishly intuitive, he could see I was petrified despite my calm demeanor, so to calm me down he kissed me, we kissed from the beginning of the thirty minute ride to the end.  He was and probably still is the best kisser I’ve had, he knew exactly what to do with them soft lips of his, I don’t even remember the view, or much else about the ride but I remember feeling like I was the only one, even though deep down I knew I wasn’t.  Camera phones actually hadn’t come to the market back then, but if I could of taken pictures I would of taken a few of the view of London and one or two of us, just for posterity. Then I would have posted it on some social media site with a bitchy Hash-tag just to mark my territory. I miss my twenties.

After my very successful meeting, I checked my phone and had seen that he called back, I was relieved, but it also annoyingly meant that I had to call him back… again. I dialed his number praying he would pick up. I’m not sure why I was so insistent on speaking with him, I mean, what really could he tell me to justify what he said at the baby dedication or even eighteen months ago before his wedding. Thankfully he picked up, I actually couldn’t face another missed call. He opens up the conversation with, “You’re still getting speeding tickets then?” I knew he was referring to the speed at which I sped off with at the church. I was grateful that he broke the ice but didn’t appreciate the cockiness. Hello Nathaniel “ I said and ignored his question or comment of whatever it was. I hoped he would move on because I was a little embarrassed. He had a quick wit and I missed it and if I’m honest I missed our friendship, but whatever; those thoughts would only fuel the madness. I cut straight to the chase, “why did you say what you said?” He responded with something like, “what last week or the day before my wedding”. This bastard knew that he was wrong for saying what he said on both counts, why do guys do that. “Both” I replied, I could feel my heart beating faster than usual and for some stupid reason I was holding my breath I was so anxious at what his answer would be. I wanted his response to make me feel as though what I had felt for him all those years ago was real and I wasn’t one of his side chicks, did i just say side chick? I mean bit on the side, anyway…that it was as special as he said it was, just that it was real, I mean we were perfect together, it just clicked, everything just clicked. He answered with “ the truth is Nay, I feel bad for how I treated you back then, I asked him if what we had was real, he said‘ you know it was, whether you want to accept it or not, it was real; we were about twenty minutes into the conversation when I asked Nathaniel the question that I’ve wanted to ask since we had broken up.” so why? Why not me… ? I was shocked that I allowed those words to leave my mouth, its true I had been asking myself that question for years now, but at last common sense prevailed. I stopped him before he could say anything, I didn’t want to know, I had spent too much time sizing myself up against her, the truth is he could of fed me with any old line to appease me and I would of accepted it.

My truth is that this shit is for the birds, I’ am not twenty and it doesn’t matter why. The reality is, he didn’t choose me. I made up some excuse to go and ended the conversation somewhat abruptly. I had well and truly opened the door to the past and some cold harsh realities that I was now beginning to accept. he asked if we could meet up at some point in the week for lunch, dinner or something I told him I’ll think about it. It’s Tuesday God knows why I’m still thinking about it.

#NoRegrets? #GotWorkToDo…