Closure…?

Nathaniel finally walked into my kitchen, he had taken off his shoes and placed his coat on the stand by the door. He acted as though he’d never left, like we were both in relational bliss, like he had just come home from a hard day at work; I was back to angry, angrier with myself than him.  I’d spent years listening to his  broken promises; now, nearly after two years of being single, rebuilding my life and living without him, I’ve allowed him to wedge his foot back in my front door; no correction, his whole body through my front door and here he was, in the flesh, in my kitchen, ruining my night. He looked around my kitchen, I think he was inspecting my choice of decor, he always had an opinion about my Interior decoration, I remember him wanting to have a lot of input when I started the renovations. “I like what you’ve done with the kitchen Nay, it’s nice”. He sounded nervous, I could tell he wanted to get something off his chest. “Nathaniel, you didn’t come here to talk about my kitchen.” “I know,” he said “so what do you want?” “Why haven’t you called me Gesnay?” He said, cutting to the chase.  He was serious, he actually wanted me to answer him. “Are you always out this late, after work? What does your wife think? I said sarcastically, he ignored my question completely. “Stop deflecting Gesnay” “look, I don’t’ owe you anything,” let alone a conversation, so just say what you have to say. I could feel my blood boiling as he continued to question me about not calling him, he stepped closer to me, I could hear my heart beating, It was as though my body was in fight or flight mode. I knew why I hadn’t called him back, I realise I opened the conversation with him a few Fridays ago, when I was at work, but I stopped him before he went any further and said something he or I couldn’t come back from, I also didn’t meet up with him for lunch, so really, I don’t know what more there was to say on the matter. I was happy to leave it, he clearly hadn’t got that memo.

I stood there clasping my glass of Moscato, I really wanted to throw the contents in his face and sling him out of my flat, but I didn’t, I stood there in silence, not being able to say a word. I hadn’t had any closure with Nathaniel and deep down I knew that for the most part, I hadn’t wanted to confront the reality that I was not over the relationship, him or how much he hurt me, “Gesnay, don’t look away,” he said gently turning my face towards his, we were standing toe to toe,   I was close enough to smell his aftershave, it was my favourite he always wore it whenever he had an important day at work. He took my wine glass out of my hand and whispered in my ear…“I can’t stop thinking about you, about us, I can’t get you out of my mind, and it’s driving me crazy, “I looked at him in shock, thinking how the hell was he rationalising this in his head, after all this time, I was more conflicted than before, I didn’t know how to feel. Should I feel relieved, happy in some way that she doesn’t have the perfect life with him or was this the closure that I had hoped for a few weeks ago when we last spoke? I’m ashamed to admit, a part of me did feel vindicated but it quickly turned to rage “Miss Me! You Miss me? I said laughing through my anger in an effort to trivialise the situation, “I don’t want to hear anything else, Nathaniel. I don’t care about what you’re feeling, you’re too late, you had your chance two years ago, that’s when you should have banged down the ‘flipping’ door for me,  that was your time to fight for our love, our relationship…  my voice began to get louder with every word, I was fuming but I still continued to cuss “That BS that you’ve just spurted out, the same crap you’ve been rehearsing all day, is two years too late. “You think because you miss me that that gives you the right to come barging back into my life, you’re selfish Nathaniel, you are a selfish, inconsiderate, cheating, bastard.”   I was shouting at the top of my voice at this point, I had tears streaming down my face, I wanted desperately to stop myself, I didn’t want him to know that I was still angry and hurt, it was like verbal diarrhea, I had literally opened up the flood gates, and all my pent up feelings were bouncing off every wall, “I gave you everything, I said  pointing at him , we brought this house together, we were planning to have a family, YOU threw that all away, not me? YOU left, not me,” before he could even respond I continued… “I gave you all of me Nathaniel, and you wasted all that time cheating on me with her and to top it all off you marry her, you didn’t even have the guts to tell me you were getting married… And here you are, brass necked in my kitchen, talking about you miss me.” “Get out Nathaniel, don’t say anything else to me, and just get out!”

He didn’t leave, He just stood there, watching me cry, I was exhausted and embarrassed, embarrassed that I lost it in front of him, that he saw me completely exposed and vulnerable. I felt weak and defeated, all my barriers were down. I wasn’t over him and I could no longer hide it every word he said hit me to my core, it was palpable. I had accepted finally that we weren’t together, but I still loved him. He placed his hand gently on my cheek and started to wipe away my tears, I let him, I closed my eyes and I just let him.

#isthisclosure?

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The Weakness In Me.

Love is a strange thing, it can make the weakest person strong and the strongest person weak.

Unknown.

The Weakness in me
The Weakness in me

It’s finally Friday and I’m so over this week, to say that my employers got their pennies worth, is an understatement. I’ve been working like a work horse on this new campaign, which will hopefully involve me taking a trip to new York, however right now that incentive is doing nothing for my life, I’m  just so tired. The London overground service is not helping my case either. My train had been delayed by 20 minutes and London Bridge train station was heaving, full of corporates waiting to go home; by the look on everyone’s face I’m sure they all felt the same way I did. The delay did however give me some much needed time to do some research on this new project I’m working on and send a few emails. I hate taking work home unnecessarily and I had the perfect single girl evening planned, that nothing was going to get in the way of. I stopped off at Waitrose and brought my favourite brand of ‘Pink Moscato, a minute steak and some vegetables that I could steam in about five minutes. I was way too tired to be cooking for hours tonight, plus I had to catch up with Scandal, the new season is coming out soon and I’ve still got the last few episodes from season four to watch… hopefully I can get two episodes in tonight, because it is too much right now. I’m literally on the edge of my seat.

My train finally arrived, 20 minutes later than expected, as announced. I keep bumping into this really handsome city slicker on my train, we often get on the same train in the morning but this is the first time I’ve seen him on the way home. He is so handsome and always immaculately dressed. He was reading Stephen Covey’s ‘Seven Habits of highly effective people,’ I concluded he was one of those progressive types. Our eyes met, he probably could feel my eyes burning a hole in the side of his face I was staring for so long… he dipped his head and slightly smiled at me, as if he was acknowledging that we were more than just strangers on the train, but not quite at the conversation level.   He was actually giving me anxiety, or butterflies, couldn’t quite work out which, I can’t deny that I liked it, and I was so attracted to him.  I looked down at his ring finger, I’m actually surprised I hadn’t done that sooner. It’s normally the first thing I do when I see a handsome guy; especially considering I’ve seen him at least twice a week for the last month. There was no ring! He was single, well not married, well he didn’t have a ring on, so at least a conversation could ensue, should he choose. I certainly wouldn’t be closed to a tete-a-tete with ‘Mr Fine.’  His shoes were nice too, my mother always said to take note of a man’s shoes, something about respectable men have clean, polished shoes. I’m beginning to believe her, Mr Landen from the gym always had dirty trainers and shoes and I don’t need to remind myself about his cheating arse. Idiot! Nathaniel was border line too. I still haven’t spoken to him, I have no plans to either, and I was stupid for opening up that door again, well hopefully he gets the hint.   I really wanted ‘Mr fine’ to come up and talk to me, use one of those old school chat up lines like “didn’t we use to go to the same college,” “or you’re beautiful, I just thought you should know”. He probably had a partner, or worse a ‘baby mother’ one of those evil ones that cause havoc for no good reason; anyway, I have too many emails to send, to be daydreaming about ‘Mr Fine’ and his imaginary life plus, I only had two more stops before I got off and these emails won’t send themselves.

I had just finished sending the last email when I looked up to see no more ‘Mr Fine,’ he probably got off in New Cross or Honor Oak. I had a 10 minute walk home from Forrest Hill Station, it was starting to get colder, and I couldn’t wait to get into my newly refurbished flat. It was neutral with a grey accent and wood floors throughout. I brought a Victorian fire place and had it fitted about a month ago, just in time for the autumn weather, I had dressed it with these amazing off white scented pillar candles which looked magical when lit. I loved my flat it was the perfect little sanctuary from all the madness, especially after a long day at work.

My plan was to put on my favourite Whitney vinyl record, light a few candles and cook my dinner in approximately 10 minutes… then settle to watch scandal. I turned unto my road, which is a cul-de-sac and noticed a car outside my house. The car looked familiar so I wasn’t really alarmed I just couldn’t remember whose car it was, I knew I had seen it in the last few weeks but wasn’t sure, until I got a little closer…it was Nathaniel!

I couldn’t believe that He had the audacity to come to my home, it was at least 8:30pm, how long had he been waiting? I looked at him through the passenger side window and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing? He jumped out of the driver seat to answer my question, by this time I was walking to my front door, trying not to turn this into an episode of ‘EastEnders’. He said that he needed to speak to me, as he scurried around his car towards my front door, just as I got to my gate he grabbed me gently around my waist from behind and pulled me into him, it stopped me dead in my tracks, my heart was beating so fast. I couldn’t actually figure out whether it was because I was so pissed off with him or if it was because his touch was so familiar,  or maybe it was because I was willing myself to ignore the fact that this situation between him and I was still unresolved. I couldn’t turn around, I just stood there with my back to him thinking, I need to maintain my composure, he repeated himself, but this time he whispered “Please Nay, I need to talk to you”,  what could he possibly want to talk to me about? There was actually nothing that we needed to discuss, it should be obvious from the lack of communication over the last week that there was nothing else that I was interested in hearing from him. “Nathaniel, what are you doing here?” I said. I was finally composed enough to turn around so I did, still in his grasp I looked him in his eyes and said” Nathaniel, let me go, I’m not your women”.  It felt like I could hear his heart beating, and there was a slight desperation in his eyes, which to be honest got me slightly worried. He stood back and said it’s important Nay, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. I stood there looked at him, kissed my teeth, and continued through my gate, to my front door; I headed straight for my kitchen, kicked my shoes off, dropped my tote in the hallway, took out my oversized wine glass and poured about a quarter of the Pink Moscato into the glass. I then waited whilst he made his way into my kitchen.

#Scandal #ThereGoesMyGirlsNight.  #TheWeaknessInMe.