Nathaniel finally walked into my kitchen, he had taken off his shoes and placed his coat on the stand by the door. He acted as though he’d never left, like we were both in relational bliss, like he had just come home from a hard day at work; I was back to angry, angrier with myself than him.  I’d spent years listening to his  broken promises; now, nearly after two years of being single, rebuilding my life and living without him, I’ve allowed him to wedge his foot back in my front door; no correction, his whole body through my front door and here he was, in the flesh, in my kitchen, ruining my night. He looked around my kitchen, I think he was inspecting my choice of decor, he always had an opinion about my Interior decoration, I remember him wanting to have a lot of input when I started the renovations. “I like what you’ve done with the kitchen Nay, it’s nice”. He sounded nervous, I could tell he wanted to get something off his chest. “Nathaniel, you didn’t come here to talk about my kitchen.” “I know,” he said “so what do you want?” “Why haven’t you called me Gesnay?” He said, cutting to the chase.  He was serious, he actually wanted me to answer him. “Are you always out this late, after work? What does your wife think? I said sarcastically, he ignored my question completely. “Stop deflecting Gesnay” “look, I don’t’ owe you anything,” let alone a conversation, so just say what you have to say. I could feel my blood boiling as he continued to question me about not calling him, he stepped closer to me, I could hear my heart beating, It was as though my body was in fight or flight mode. I knew why I hadn’t called him back, I realise I opened the conversation with him a few Fridays ago, when I was at work, but I stopped him before he went any further and said something he or I couldn’t come back from, I also didn’t meet up with him for lunch, so really, I don’t know what more there was to say on the matter. I was happy to leave it, he clearly hadn’t got that memo.

I stood there clasping my glass of Moscato, I really wanted to throw the contents in his face and sling him out of my flat, but I didn’t, I stood there in silence, not being able to say a word. I hadn’t had any closure with Nathaniel and deep down I knew that for the most part, I hadn’t wanted to confront the reality that I was not over the relationship, him or how much he hurt me, “Gesnay, don’t look away,” he said gently turning my face towards his, we were standing toe to toe,   I was close enough to smell his aftershave, it was my favourite he always wore it whenever he had an important day at work. He took my wine glass out of my hand and whispered in my ear…“I can’t stop thinking about you, about us, I can’t get you out of my mind, and it’s driving me crazy, “I looked at him in shock, thinking how the hell was he rationalising this in his head, after all this time, I was more conflicted than before, I didn’t know how to feel. Should I feel relieved, happy in some way that she doesn’t have the perfect life with him or was this the closure that I had hoped for a few weeks ago when we last spoke? I’m ashamed to admit, a part of me did feel vindicated but it quickly turned to rage “Miss Me! You Miss me? I said laughing through my anger in an effort to trivialise the situation, “I don’t want to hear anything else, Nathaniel. I don’t care about what you’re feeling, you’re too late, you had your chance two years ago, that’s when you should have banged down the ‘flipping’ door for me,  that was your time to fight for our love, our relationship…  my voice began to get louder with every word, I was fuming but I still continued to cuss “That BS that you’ve just spurted out, the same crap you’ve been rehearsing all day, is two years too late. “You think because you miss me that that gives you the right to come barging back into my life, you’re selfish Nathaniel, you are a selfish, inconsiderate, cheating, bastard.”   I was shouting at the top of my voice at this point, I had tears streaming down my face, I wanted desperately to stop myself, I didn’t want him to know that I was still angry and hurt, it was like verbal diarrhea, I had literally opened up the flood gates, and all my pent up feelings were bouncing off every wall, “I gave you everything, I said  pointing at him , we brought this house together, we were planning to have a family, YOU threw that all away, not me? YOU left, not me,” before he could even respond I continued… “I gave you all of me Nathaniel, and you wasted all that time cheating on me with her and to top it all off you marry her, you didn’t even have the guts to tell me you were getting married… And here you are, brass necked in my kitchen, talking about you miss me.” “Get out Nathaniel, don’t say anything else to me, and just get out!”

He didn’t leave, He just stood there, watching me cry, I was exhausted and embarrassed, embarrassed that I lost it in front of him, that he saw me completely exposed and vulnerable. I felt weak and defeated, all my barriers were down. I wasn’t over him and I could no longer hide it every word he said hit me to my core, it was palpable. I had accepted finally that we weren’t together, but I still loved him. He placed his hand gently on my cheek and started to wipe away my tears, I let him, I closed my eyes and I just let him.



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