It’s midday on Wednesday and I’ve decided to work from home, I actually feel a bit under the weather and to be honest haven’t fully recovered from the weekends event, my detox isn’t going well either. I have already relapsed and was on my second bottle of wine this week, now I’m devouring a cinema size packet of minstrels and a salad, I’m trying to balance it out… Im putting it down to PMS and gonna mark it off as a cheat day; I’ll detox again next Monday. My week has completely gone down hill, I actually thought things were on an upward spin after meeting ‘Mr fine’, but I haven’t heard from him either so as usual, it’s the waiting game… single life in your thirties is not for the faint of heart. I am so close to downloading Tinder swiping right to the first five hot guys I see and picking one of them.
I wonder if I pressed rewind on life or simply control, alt, and deleted some of the shitty experiences my wonderful twenties brought me then rebooted that whole chapter if I’d be in a better position now. For example, if I had got married to one of my university classmates, had children around twenty six or twenty seven, brought a property in a nice catchment area like Dulwich or West Wickham, I’m almost absolutely positive I’d be happy and settled into a nice middle class groove of children’s birthday parties, husband and wife double dates and the all exclusive mummy clubs…I know “Rose tinted glasses and all that” but I’m beginning to think that any alternative is better than the shenanigans single life brings you, like right now I should be working but I’m sat here listening to another You-tuber rant on about their perfectly edited life on a stupid husband tag and I’m questioning myself, wondering whether I’m pretty enough? If I’m slim enough? Am I educated enough? did I make the wrong decision to focus on my career instead of marriage and why the hell ‘Mr Fine ‘hasn’t called or sent a text? It’s been four days and yes I’m counting; Nathaniel on the other hand has been calling and texting non stop. I actually feel like throwing my I-pad through the window unto the street I’m so frustrated. I really don’t know how he manages to make time to do all of this sneaking around… doesn’t his Mrs check his phone? I’ve managed to ignore all his messages the last few days, all but one which read…“ I Love you Nay, not her, YOU! Tell me you didn’t feel anything the other night…..?”
I didn’t want to respond to him and for the last three hours I hadn’t but ignoring him at this point was giving me a headache, I desperately needed a resolve so I responded. I wanted to tell him that I felt it too, that It has never gone away, that I felt it at the christening, in the office when I asked him why he hadn’t chosen to be with me, every time our eyes meet I feel it, because actually I realise that’s my truth to the extent that on friday night I wanted him to hold me and tell me that the past two years never happened that we were still in ‘relational bliss’. And she never existed. I wish he had lifted me up, put me on the counter and made love to me all freaking night. There, I said it! but I cant be that girl, not in my thirties. Instead I rationalised that it would be better to deny deny deny, I told him to fuck off and that the nice little inappropriate text he sent me should be redirected to his wife! Why does he think that it’s ok to do this to me, does he think that I’m happy to remix another shitty relationship with him. Does he think I’m like “ ooo yes please Nathaniel can I be next? Let me have her leftovers…“Forget that BS, No Nathaniel, Fuck right off! and now…. I’m blocking his arse.
I was actually screaming in my kitchen at this point, like a mad women in a full blown conversation with myself. There was nothing taking me out of my funk today, absolutely nothing; so I’m going to get my MacBook, this bottle of wine, the rest of these minstrels go to my newly decorated office, shut the door and get back to work; I’m done.
#oneofthosedays #hustlehard #ctrlaltdelete

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